“Quick the owner’s coming with this camera, strike a pose, third party lady, you can grope my tit too for added interest! I’m so not going to regret this in the morning!”

It goes from white elbows all the way up to Iron Bru forehead. Give her forehead a buff and it would shine like french polished Mahogany.

Now as a bloke, I don’t know much about make-up, but my girlfriend reliably informs me that foundation is meant to match your natural skin tone and not make you look like you’ve been Tango’ed.

That’s right, eking out a living doing PA’s at provincial nightclubs as Jordan’s latest marketing idea. Naturally every chavette would try and seduce him to try and one-up the queen of Chavs.

Doing a PA at a provincial nightclub where you’re considered a celebrity has it perks.

If you like me, you have never heard of ‘DJ Talent’ and are about to google him, I’ve saved you the bother… dear lord!

Up and down this fair land ladies are gradually morphing into Katie Price like the one on the right.

A cheapo knight costume with optional cock and balls, that first prize is mine!

An atrocious so-bad-it-could-be-a-prison tattoo in your honour!

You’ve fallen asleep in your local pit and the owner and a orange lady decide to capture the moment and put it on the Internet!