Where do I begin, I covered the eyes but you can still see the spiders. Then there’s the teeth… but that is nothing compared to the fake tan that has been lovingly built up for so many weeks, it might well be dyeing sub-dermal tissue… Jordan, there’s a new chav queen on the block!

The girls are indeed, back in town!

It’s cabaret time at your local fleapit and the snake ladies are back and ready for a UV Party!

You’ve got a tribal tattoo that you probably got on your 18th Birthday which you picked off the tattooist’s wall, not satisfied, you then went mad and got a chavtastic full back piece!

“Quick the owner’s coming with this camera, strike a pose, third party lady, you can grope my tit too for added interest! I’m so not going to regret this in the morning!”

It’s always a good idea to get low-rent cockney villain types to frequent your club, it makes the ratboy chavvy types think they’ve really made it, rubbing shoulders with such vermin. I can just picture him saying “See that bracelet son, cost my 4 grand that did! Have you met Sharon?”

You’re on to your forth round of 2 for 1 WKD drinks deals at your local fleapit and its time to give it some on the dance floor. You dare not put one of your drinks down, in case one of the other chavvy patrons necks it!

Yes, welcome to 2005.  It is so rare to find a clown pendant in the wild these days!

So your probably working in a nail bar or a hairdressers and you want to supplement your income.  What a better way than to cover yourself in Bisto and handle a large snake in front of a crowd of jeering chavs in a dead-end seaside town looks-like-a-disused-badminton-court nightclub!

After a hard night knocking back Blue WKD followed by an Aftershock chaser, and chaving it up hard, it’s time to get some water inside you to avoid that vicious hangover!

Agh what a sight to behold.  Four young Jordan wannabes on a night out.  They’ve poured a litre of Lambrini each down their gullets, now it’s time to get the only drink of the night that they plan to pay for.  I just love the way the pink clashes with the orange fake tan… classy!

Notice this young mans drink is half full, so presumably he is going to get a clean straw after this prank for the camera.  Then again perhaps not.

There is no better place than your local fleapit to show off your new Eastern European breast enlargement surgery, that you saved 2 years of child benefit for.  Shame they look like two cantaloupe halves!

So you’ve gone to your local fleapit and got wankered on Blue WKD.  It’s time to let the local medway pikies feel you up for the camera!