It’s not only the Jordanesque slappers who like the fake tan!

When lady fame has passed by and you try and cling to fame doing ‘charidy’ work or opening a new branch of Lidl, it’s time to think about a real job again!

Where do I begin, I covered the eyes but you can still see the spiders. Then there’s the teeth… but that is nothing compared to the fake tan that has been lovingly built up for so many weeks, it might well be dyeing sub-dermal tissue… Jordan, there’s a new chav queen on the block!

The girls are indeed, back in town!

WE have found a new front runner for the Ms Orange 2009 contest. It’s hard to see how this can be beaten without a nuclear glow!

It’s cabaret time at your local fleapit and the snake ladies are back and ready for a UV Party!

“Quick the owner’s coming with this camera, strike a pose, third party lady, you can grope my tit too for added interest! I’m so not going to regret this in the morning!”

It goes from white elbows all the way up to Iron Bru forehead. Give her forehead a buff and it would shine like french polished Mahogany.

Now as a bloke, I don’t know much about make-up, but my girlfriend reliably informs me that foundation is meant to match your natural skin tone and not make you look like you’ve been Tango’ed.

Up and down this fair land ladies are gradually morphing into Katie Price like the one on the right.

An atrocious so-bad-it-could-be-a-prison tattoo in your honour!

You’ve fallen asleep in your local pit and the owner and a orange lady decide to capture the moment and put it on the Internet!

Caked on is not the word… Jordan has a lot answer for, for the Orange faces up and down the land.

Yes Wuzzel’s lady friend returns complete with dodgy hair extensions.

This is what the Internet meme ‘Butterface’ was invented for! These ladies have taken an early lead for this years Ms Orange contest for their richly basted complexions!

I really must start a Ms Orange 2009 competition, for the most richly basted individual!

If you are going to slap on the gravy, it’s a good idea to make sure the hue and saturation of your face and body match. She should have taken some tips from mum!

So it’s midwinter.  Your boyfriend is pastey white and you have a tan Judith Charmers woull be proud of.  Try as you may, to convince people that you have spent the last two months in the Bahamas, everyone knows you work at Wilkinsons and that tan is sprayed on using a car body shop spray gun by the chavette at your local tanning salon.

It would truly be the highlight of my evening to be accosted by four Bisto ladies with a giant inflatable cock!

So your probably working in a nail bar or a hairdressers and you want to supplement your income.  What a better way than to cover yourself in Bisto and handle a large snake in front of a crowd of jeering chavs in a dead-end seaside town looks-like-a-disused-badminton-court nightclub!