Any port in a storm, even if that’s your mates pie hole!

WE have found a new front runner for the Ms Orange 2009 contest. It’s hard to see how this can be beaten without a nuclear glow!

Memorial tattoos, they bring a tear to my eye every time I see one on a granny in a nightclub, chaving it up with her daughter… get in Mr Bouncer!

A young man demonstrates to the club owner that he was indeed born with the instinct to breed… oh no.

You really don’t want to touch that floor with naked skin, you’ll catch something… probably anti-biotic resistant!

Made to ransack your dignity by your boss. Our thoughts and best wishes are with you Mr Bouncer.

It’s cabaret time at your local fleapit and the snake ladies are back and ready for a UV Party!

You’ve got a tribal tattoo that you probably got on your 18th Birthday which you picked off the tattooist’s wall, not satisfied, you then went mad and got a chavtastic full back piece!

A feeling of mild ennui crept over him as he started to question himself, “What am I doing with my life, what am I doing here?” as the rank old granny licked his face.

This grimace looks way to natural! I wonder if mum can gurn like that too?

“Quick the owner’s coming with this camera, strike a pose, third party lady, you can grope my tit too for added interest! I’m so not going to regret this in the morning!”

It goes from white elbows all the way up to Iron Bru forehead. Give her forehead a buff and it would shine like french polished Mahogany.

Now as a bloke, I don’t know much about make-up, but my girlfriend reliably informs me that foundation is meant to match your natural skin tone and not make you look like you’ve been Tango’ed.

That’s right, eking out a living doing PA’s at provincial nightclubs as Jordan’s latest marketing idea. Naturally every chavette would try and seduce him to try and one-up the queen of Chavs.

Doing a PA at a provincial nightclub where you’re considered a celebrity has it perks.

If you like me, you have never heard of ‘DJ Talent’ and are about to google him, I’ve saved you the bother… dear lord!

Up and down this fair land ladies are gradually morphing into Katie Price like the one on the right.

A cheapo knight costume with optional cock and balls, that first prize is mine!

An atrocious so-bad-it-could-be-a-prison tattoo in your honour!

You’ve fallen asleep in your local pit and the owner and a orange lady decide to capture the moment and put it on the Internet!